Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
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Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
*Everyone yelling about politics at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: *taps wine glass* “Quick poll: who wants the last piece of pie before I eat it?”
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.