Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
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I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
can you read it!!??
maan!
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..