Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for

In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.

Grandpa

I have also decided to not buy Twitter.

[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF

Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.

If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless

I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.

Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good

[doorbell]

“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”

If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.

Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.

Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job

Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky

Me : I have changed my mind.

Wife : Hope the new one is working.

2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs

Her: Make me a mimosa.

Me: But we’re out of orange juice.

Her: I don’t see the problem.

This is the dumbest end of the world ever.

[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]

I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.

IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR

Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.

“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.

A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE

Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.

My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO