Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport

[married people conversations]

Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?

Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Wife: that’s it! thanks!

DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow

T-REX: oh great

FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.

I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps

“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”

~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person

JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years

ME: I can’t speak that slowly

YES

YES

YES

YES

YES

-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house

Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.

ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)

SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?

The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.

Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death

Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing

a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch

The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.

[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming

[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”

as is their right

I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.

I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.

You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday

I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.

“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”

the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane

I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.

snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this

coworker: you should try my therapist

me: i’ve seen their work no thanks

*Jumps on bandwagon*

Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend

Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?

Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…