Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
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Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
I’m giving up for Lent.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.