Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
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why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
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National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ