Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
My dad teaching me to drive
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.