Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
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Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
The United Steaks of America
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
