Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
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The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
rise and shine we got egg
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?