Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
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Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.