Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
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In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
My first child will be named New Folder.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.