“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
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demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Oops I deleted….
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.