Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.

Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here

11: dad I have a confession

me: oh boy. What.

11: last night before you said it was bedtime I made a plate of nachos and put them under my bed. Then I ate them after bed time

me: 😂 how did you get your brother not to tattle?

9: I paid him off in nachos

The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons

ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do

waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)

Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+

I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.

and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”

Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.

Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?

Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.

If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.

People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.

the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop

Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar

I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox

Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?

Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.

Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves

I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.

my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?

Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner

Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day

I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.

I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.

I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.

Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?

3yr old: No, the crow did it

Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold

3yr old: *points out window

Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass

3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.

My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.

She has spoken more words today than I did in December.

Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”

getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger

I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.

Must be a covid thing.

You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?