Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.

[day 7 of quarantine]

zzz
　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　　　∧_∧　oh no
　　 (　･ω･) im late for work
　 ＿|　⊃／(＿＿_
／　└-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

Me: *rips pants bending over*

Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!

Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.

Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*

Me: *dies*

{Annual Introverts Conference}

speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better

[watching basketball]

I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.

And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.

KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?

BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.

When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.

Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader

Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.

You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.

My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.

What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?

[In Bar]

Friend: Your fly is down

Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce

*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*

HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.

Admin smashed it 😂

I could have been a doctor but the game Operation made me think the inside of a human body was electrified for some reason.

get her what she really wants this holiday season (a large quantity of potatoes prepared several different ways)

“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.

WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.

Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.

superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts

me: this is relatable as hell

*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying

Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor

Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No

I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.