“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
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My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”