“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
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What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
He’s cranky this morning
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.