Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
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When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin