Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
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If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
i- i did not expect this
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Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
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sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.