“Can you put it all in an email?”
Translations:
1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
