“Can you put it all in an email?”
Translations:
1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
It was worth a shot 😂
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
