“Can you put it all in an email?”
Translations:
1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
I’m not into casual sex. Send me a résumé.
Just say no
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?
Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?
Astrologer: no
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
