Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Job Interview)

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.

Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.

I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.

There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.

Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?

“Shit… Was it the treason?”

Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.

I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died

The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up

I went from rags to one rag.

I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.

I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.

Not wearing deodorant because I put lotion on my hands and couldn’t get the cap off

My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call

Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces

What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing

We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!

Pedant: Actually…

[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]

My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.

My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.

“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises

coworker: how was your weekend?

me: sucked, I had to move

coworker: you sold your house?

me: no, my wife made me get off the couch

Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)

[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.

Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.

Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.

Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.

walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”

“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say