Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
You Might Also Like
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Why am I like this?
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Coffee for people with no kids
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”