Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.

But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.

Guy: who was that?

Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote

Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?

there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?

Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text

My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them

sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests

Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?

If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it

Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink

dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]

Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.

me: can we stop at olive garden

mom: we have family at home

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me

“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”

– “We should call it AAAA!”

“You’re fired.”

My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.

No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.

*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!

me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels

I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.

Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.

The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.

The only new feature was the ambulance ride.

The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.

I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?

Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”

The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.

Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.

A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.

me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free

wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?

me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free