Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.

Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord

My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy

If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.

My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.

it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”

I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.

SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.

SON: Is it good news or bad news?

SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.

#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.

Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”

Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”

Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.

ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.

GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.

ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.

Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party

Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.

stages of eating a banana:

– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now

The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.

My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

[inventing chalk]

We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.

i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat

JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶

ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??

JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶

ME: Ah. Carry on.

God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open

animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that

All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.

I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic

DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!

– how I threaten my kids

DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!