can you read it!!??
maan!
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I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Bootstraps
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*