Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough

My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.

At what age should you put the tonsils back in

[Valentine’s Day]

me: *gets divorced*

[24 hours earlier]

me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this

I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.

Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.

[8 hours later]

Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.

I have also decided to not buy Twitter.

[run into an old classmate]

Them: You’ve gained a little weight.

Me: You’ve stayed ugly.

Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up

Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…

MUST BE FREE!

Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?

Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage

You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.

When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke

I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.

And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.

my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.

How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.

I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.

2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers

Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.

What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.

I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖

🐷

🐽

ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not

Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?

remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?

Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?

The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake

I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire