Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie

wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.

Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.

[first date]

Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys

Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]

Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.

Person: I like you

Me: *eyes narrow* Why

“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”

-guy who invented sports

just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”

Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣

Sooo many times…..

My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.

I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.

Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.

My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.

You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!

Cop –

So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you

bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

me: why

bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline

Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.

Me: *gets comfortable*

Life: Just one more thing …

[1931]

Him: we should name this time period

Me: the good depression

Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”

Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out

Finally

Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.

Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?

DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.

Me: I am mad.

DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.

Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.

3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.

If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”

therapy: $500

tattoo: $500 but cooler

The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up

George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.

I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…

Ground up and in the freezer