Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
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GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive