Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
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Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine
Jfc
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
This makes total sense…
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive