Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
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She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
this is literally a CIA plant
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
This bar smells like my childhood.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.