Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.

Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk

Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps

“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”

date: I like to tell dad jokes

me: does he laugh?

date: what

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.

toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do

5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’

Me: How do you like your new bed?

Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!

Me: What?

Dog: Wut

Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat

ME: we need to talk

BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—

ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all

me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?

my brain: a hairdryer.

We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.

One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now

[ interview ]

cable company: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?

cable company: when can you start

me: between monday and july

I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!

Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent

Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement

One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.

You get what you got last time.

Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.

For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.

not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid

holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism

*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*

Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…

me: I’m gonna work from home today

co-pilot: wait

3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday

Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.

I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.

I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.

I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.

Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.