‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
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Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
the council will decide your fate
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
there’s music for literally every activity
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.