‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
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Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Stop
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”