‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
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Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.
My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.