‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
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I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Me as a therapist: omg same
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
john wicks are toilet candles
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.