Can you solve the riddle??
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My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*