Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.

In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers

The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣

ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB

Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”

The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜

Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”

Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”

Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles

I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.

guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!

“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season

Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work

Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”

“it’s just like riding a bicycle”

Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most

me: how often should I water it?

florist: you’ll just know

me: I absolutely will not

I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.

People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?

Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”

People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?

if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight

Me: We are leaving in an hour

Teens: Okay

*58 mins later*

Teens: *start cooking their lunch*

My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus

My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.

My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling

Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.

Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.

Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.

Single men not in love with me.

Explain yourselves.

me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster

gf: you know you could have just taken a photo

I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.

People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors