Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?

Stock market update:

Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok

A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.

[car dealership]

“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”

fred flintstone: i’ll take it!

The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him

My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.

My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.

Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:

you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers

[ on trial ]

me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?

judge: we can all hear you

me: then I’d like an answer to the question

[inventing flies]

GOD: make them eat shit

ANGEL: got it

GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world

ANGEL: ok who hurt you?

*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin

I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.

Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.

I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.

Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”

them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?

me: finger quotes sure

My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle

No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”

[restaurant]

BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]

DATE: Are you okay?

THE HULK: I’ve been better.

*tides knock down my sand castle*

Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]

[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.

HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island

ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island

H: Ok so that was easy

doctor: are u drinking enough fluids

me: i’ve never drunk anything else

LOL!

Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?

[First Date]

Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)

Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome

Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-

Guy: *grazing*

*gets into canoe*

Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!

*gets out of canoe*