can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
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“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
These are too funny not to post 😂
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.