Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
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a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Noah
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..