Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
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Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Cop lights are so pretty at night
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Butt weight. There’s more!