Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie

I just fought a child-proof container to the death.

If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.

I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.

If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.

~dogs, apparently

*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.

me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks

skydiving instructor: absolutely not

My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today

i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”

no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit

When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.

Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.

Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.

I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.

FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN

The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles

– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?

-No.

– Do you want some?

Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?

Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it

Not long enough ahhh haha ha

“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook

[harry potter at work]

Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh

Harry: a thestral, yes

Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate

Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life

Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner

My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE

It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.

The French really did the “this is fine” meme.

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.

12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.

My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.

AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u

BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!

ME: Thanks. You too!

BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.

*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing

Gf: Let’s role-play

Me: Ok you be a writer

Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write

Me: ooh that’s good