Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
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High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.