Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
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Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
*weighs self after shaving
I’m giving up for Lent.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.