“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
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velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
If a necromancer isn鈥檛 someone who gives you hickies, then I鈥檓 not interested.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That鈥檚 inflation for you.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it鈥檚 lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
I鈥檝e started dating myself exclusively but it鈥檚 not working out
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 馃槀馃槀馃槀
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
When you鈥檝e lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn