Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.

I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.

People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴

I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.

By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”

Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub

Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel

*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one

Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups

*watches a movie with you*

*loudly beeps during all the good parts*

I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected

Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked

Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.

Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes

People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.

If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go

Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.

ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.

TEACHER: It should all be present tense.

ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.

Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’

Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.

‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’

[smallpox]

Only 1890’s kids will get this

I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.

I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs

Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?

even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side

Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes