“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
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What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.