“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
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I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”
They were going to a funeral.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.