“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
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“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast