“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
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When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
craving $300 all of a sudden
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.