“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
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Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.