Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…

? 💀

I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer

That’s not how days work.

Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.

Me: Here, does this help?

*turns and walks away*

It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??

Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.

I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.

You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real

They should make a moral fiber supplement

I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.

Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.

Parts of a worm:
1) Worm

The only equipped I am is ill.

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.

Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period

Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.

*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*

Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass

Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?

Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you

Scientist: too late

If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.

#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..

Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: that’s a mandolin

You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart

I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”

ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not

When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver

Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.

Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.