“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
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Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
hate when dogs are anxious. you don’t even understand the concept of money
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Might fuck around and respond “sorry, I’m on a bye” if my family asks me to do anything this week.