People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
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I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
fair
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters