Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
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Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
I see your IQ test came back negative
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)