Canada has crack?
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*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
