Canada has crack?
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Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
A game married people play.
They’re really bad with fonts.
😆this is so true
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.