Canada has crack?
You Might Also Like
In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
*Everyone yelling about politics at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: *taps wine glass* “Quick poll: who wants the last piece of pie before I eat it?”
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
BETRAYAL
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
me to God
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day