Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.

Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”

Me: ”Yes!”

Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”

Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”

Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”

i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help

me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier

30 seconds left on the microwave

~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone

~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown

“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”

– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy

Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.

*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!

Ok now say “coffee”!

thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?

bartender: what are you having mate

guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content

-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter

these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have

What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !

I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.

My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.

“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”

-my new line of Get Well cards

No time to explain get in the wood chipper

The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.

She mouthed “thank you.”

Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.

Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes

Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.

Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?

Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.

[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD

Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”

*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*

On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.

Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..

Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo

Alfred: right away, Bruce-o

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.