Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
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*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.