Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH

ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me

I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.

Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.

Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids

“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now

Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”

“so what brings you to therapy today?”

Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.

– texts to my bed

3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once

The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.

God: ok u can make one human that’s it

Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald

Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.

Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.

Interviewer: what are your future plans?

Me: lunch

Interviewer: I meant long term plans

Me: what, like dinner?

The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.

I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.

As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.

Me, representing myself in court:

First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!

Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?

Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.

H: I’m going to the store.

M: Why don’t you take my truck?

[3 hrs later]

H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.

M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*

neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?

“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”

*fireworks go off outside*

*opens window*

I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing

If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself

AND

When a women asks if you notice anything different

I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.

waiter: what’ll it be?

me: I’ll have chameleon

waiter: that’s not on the menu

me: how can you be sure?

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life