Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
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suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that
My body: are you serious? have you seen us?
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE