Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
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¯_(ツ)_/¯
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…