Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
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[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
😍😂🥰😂😍
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My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
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There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
A short story about romance.
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Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
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I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!