CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
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Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.