CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
You Might Also Like
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.