CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
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If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
❤️🦆
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day