Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.

But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.

Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.

Rey: Like what?

Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.

ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.

My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.

So, I took her to Subways.

him: it’s what’s inside that counts

me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?

boss: where have you been for the past seven days

me: in bed

boss: but i said sleep was for the weak

*visits random websites just for the cookies*

Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?

Me: one’s for you

Him: and the other one?

Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.

Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.

I went to law school for this.

Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string

I saw you checking me out.

Cashier: Literally my job, sir.

How do I rate our solar system?

One star

This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?

Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat

I made a new rule at dinner tonight.

Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.

It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.

My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good

Me: Coke please

Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?

Me: Why yes, yes it is

One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.

*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair

bus driver: well, i do not

I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.

*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now

Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-

H: What’s for breakfast?

M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*

H: Great, when are you making potatoes?

M: They’re in my orange juice.

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women

I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity

One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.

Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.