Canada’s plan to take over the US is coming along nicely.
They sent down cold & snow to places that almost never get it.
Well played Canada, well played.
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Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
ew if literal: let me be clear
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked
Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order
Me: And I have some ideas
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!