Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.

Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.

I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.

I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.

If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration

Going back in time, y’all need anything?

In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.

Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.

I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.

Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.

The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes

Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON

Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…

My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.

“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow

6yo: *non stop talking*

Me: *tells 6yo to go read*

6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*

I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.

Me: No.

My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.

Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry

pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”

Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.

What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:

Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner

The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person

If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars

Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.

In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.

Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.

A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

*takes everything personally

Everyone: hey, give me that back!