Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you could not pay me to delete this app

The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.

I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.

If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.

Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.

me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you

bf: haha I know right

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

[At the job interview]

“Why did you leave your last job?”

“They took a vote.”

ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park

[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy

Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last

Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes

Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom

I just got arrested for felonious mopery

“Your call is important to us”

[67 minutes later]

“Your call is important to us”

[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵

16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.

[texting]

me: touching my duck n thinking of you

her: gross, go to hell

me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it

My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.

Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.

Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do

Google: Call 911

Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE

You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.

Omg like wtf
-me, praying

I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.

A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.

ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.

HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?

ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead

Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?

…and send

You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.

my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.

nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end

Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.

ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?