Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
You Might Also Like
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?