Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
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6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
always be there
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
A leaf blower, but for people.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!