Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
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Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Give us this day our daily internet validation
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”