*Indian sending smoke signals* Buffalo… Coming… *other Indian replies* New… Fire… Who… Dis?
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
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Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
I don’t need to watch the debates, I read a bumper sticker the other day that totally convinced me
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Snake: Okay what
Caterpillar: *grows wings*
Snake: OKAY WHAT
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it