@NoogsCorner

Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.

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@TheMichaelRock

According to HR, white people aren’t issued a race card, and they’d appreciate if I went back to my desk.

*shrugs*

@pilau

me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists

wife: she’s three

me: I don’t care how many she is

@mommajessiec

Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.

Me: *makes new sandwich*

Kid: This one has too little.

Me: *makes one just right*

Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.

@devondaigle9

A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back

@JPLFR80

People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.

@Chumpstring

Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.

@mishakey

Don’t forget to check your backseat for murderers! Haha! No, but seriously bring me a coke it’s hot in here.

@truegritrumble

NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…