@NoogsCorner

Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.

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@BatmanOffDuty

*Indian sending smoke signals* Buffalo… Coming… *other Indian replies* New… Fire… Who… Dis?

@LoveNLunchmeat

upon my death:

1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case

@PeterKispert

Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”

@PleaseBeGneiss

Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something

Ouija board: s o m e t-

Wife: that’s him

@Parkerlawyer

My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.

@meganamram

I don’t need to watch the debates, I read a bumper sticker the other day that totally convinced me

@Browtweaten

Caterpillar: *walking*

Snake: Okay what

Caterpillar: *grows wings*

Snake: OKAY WHAT

@Chumpstring

COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it