According to HR, white people aren’t issued a race card, and they’d appreciate if I went back to my desk.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
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me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Don’t forget to check your backseat for murderers! Haha! No, but seriously bring me a coke it’s hot in here.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?