Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
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*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Strangers have the best candy.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Well well well…
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Leaving the Barbers like
