canadian assassins are called killergrams
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Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.
Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse